~~~A STRANGE HODGEPODGE OF COLLECTED THOUGHTS ~~~

MY STORY:::[A STRANGE BEGINNING]

I was born under an August sun at the age of 2000 by a father who sold cocaine and so of course I struggled, I struggled, I could not focus, and all my life never having a father or never true love except those times I was young with Jessica and Heather and Roxanne when she would play with my hair and the niggahs on the ave when they gave me a fro pick and detangler and there was so much love that night –

And there was so much to forgive –

The war, the whores, the crimes of history and China had invaded Tibet and turned against God so who was the real enemy?  Blackwater?  The robots?  I was terrified to fight and kill but if I have to, if I have, to unless there was another way and we could be nonlethal with LSD dart railguns –

But Blackwater was really fucking up –

So I wandered these city streets looking for hope in the night when I would know despair like the city fucking flatlined dead and they were screaming, they were fucking SCREAMING at me to GET THE FUCK OUT but I could not go home –

For to serve my poor mother’s hope and dream –

But I could not tell her yet –

And I, the small bird, had brought peace by giving away a small cup of water and all things were restored –

And the Go center was about to be demolished but I guess they were just upgrading to a skyscraper –

It was the lightest times

It was the dark of time

There was hope

There was fear

There were all the years

In between –

And while the city slept I would cherish the night like a blanket I borrowed from my homie at UGM that night –

And everything was alright –

When they gave me a couch and a trillion dollar bill –

Well there had never been a trillionaire yet –

But at one time nobody even had a billion –

And the crystal night my fright that Atlantean sages had taught to me –

And the Google memory melody but Apple you see and OS11 called to me rocking code name OS25 and all rivalries should lay down their knives and repent –

And a pretty face moves over to sit beside me –

But irrelevancy does not become Victoria taught me that –

In the darkest night

A chalice beckons the coming Word

And God is not able –

But tomorrow I will not run

And will face the rain

I was going insane

But chance repose deposits acorns through the bitter night to store

For the coming winter

As all things is it about to get bad

Or is peace becoming the way –

Yet hatred remains a force to be reckoned with –

And the wars keep on making such a thunderous din –

It will never be the same as when I had Kirby and he taught me of myself as I hated so much is presence that I could not love –

And the Allegro and was it Lindsay my love who I could not see because of Laila at church and I lost that and then when I saw Amanda Knox on the news and I had met her, I had met her at the Krish and I was blown away and fucking she what?  Did she or was she set up?  But what really happened that night at the frat, I would not blame her if she had killed a man -

And Red my favorite uncle, well except for Jared, But Red would show me a good time and I tried to show him love –

And remembering Aline the French one on Fentanyl and I thought I might have had a kid with her but I was probably just tripping out high –

So I would cower in Bellevue my home sweet home and they were always nice to me there and the old salt playing some video game

And I missed that in Ohio when I had my system Mac custom Hackintosh hybrid Windows Linux supercomputer –

But we need to improve the Hackintosh drivers –

So open source Apple nonprofit might be a thing –

iOS on everything for free –

But pay for the good authentic shit I guess –

And I had solved Fermat at a donut shop in Columbus, Ohio without realizing it as a good man went down and the cop was clowning on me hitting on some chick who gave me her boyfriend’s number –

But really the man didn’t die, just got arrested –

And I was craving needles so bad at this point and it terrified me and I was the return of Cobain when I had thought of cuts and bruises as a child and nobody could figure me out –

And sometimes so alone when I had nobody and almost called my friend Evan was it that one day but couldn’t and my old Mac 2si was that in Miami now or just bad intel that I might give to the grandkids in a museum but I was not always alone

I had good friends

Evan and Alex we would listen to Phish on a Walkman and think we were so much cooler than the mainstreamers we used to call them and playing Pogs and they wouldn’t let us play for keeps cause that was gambling

So I fucked up and sang about showers and the world died again and every time you leave me the world dies and a poor guy died again over this Phillippe Zdar

So please my dear come, please stay, please hold me tight that we can dance the night away –

That one night at Level 5 –

What the hell did they give me that I could see hear feel every. Fucking. Vibration.  And the statues dancing and the spirits coming out of the trees and I saw Einstein and Nostradamus was my grandfather there ?

And I would speak to my grandmother again, yes I would, when had I played football I would have beat down the guard at the nursing home as I watched here there dying –

And all I could do was play a song for her and she sang about she hated the nurses and she talked about the squirrels outside and I turned off the TV –

And the food they served was so shitty –

And we must serve our elders and heal and give them back their lives not imprison their body hearts minds –

Why are things like this so bad –

But are there reasons for everything –

By the skin of my teeth,

By the skin of my fucking teeth,

Every fucking time –

Close calls

I know it all

What would it be

To know absolutely everything –

Every

Fucking

Thing –

Well do Wi Fi passwords even exist or was I getting Google access from an antenna –

I needed to know things

I needed the inside wire on military intelligence

I needed police radio

I needed dispatch 411

I needed full admin access at Google at Apple at Microsoft on Facebook on YouTube on KGS on everything we need to start commanding and we needed a new Go server fully encrypted

I needed to know

Was I bending time things happen

Instantly

Here

When I email you

Instantly

How fast am I going

And I had never, almost never, or even never, had a pleasant dream …

And I hadn’t really even dreamed at all in months –

The Bard so tired wanted just to go home and play Baldur’s Gate with his best friend

Because he had never had the focus to play that through –

Or be a superadmin in World of Warcraft or KGS or just everything –

To be God on Earth –

How could this fucking possibly –

I cannot, I just cannot, I am not ready, I am weak in my bones but my spirit is strong and old and wise –

As I communed with the bust of Chief Seattle in the shelter at City Hall –

So please, please arrive my dear, please arrive this night before we all die and the Solstice parade tomorrow –

And everything was perfect, bus routes, street signs, subcode, and I was manifesting money in my pockets from thin air –

Well a bunch of people were –

Blessings raining from the sky –

Could Mammon and all the stories be true –

If Christ alive had healed how could I, now, do the same –

Well Joe was now a doctor and Chris a dentist and with stem cells we could now regrow limbs –

Cure every disease –

History –

Godel completion theorem –

In the Green Room when Xander said let’s smoke an eagle and we missed the applause –

And I carried Heidi’s bag around all day looking for tweak and she was tired and needed a hand up was she delivered?  I hope so but the deal fell through but I had a dollar left for a joint and hopefully gave her bag back but should I even really be on tweak right now?

Look what happened last time –

And I received E=square.root<MC> what is that even if the square root is the actual speed of energy but I don’t understand all this yet

And all the old movies

And everything and everything

All of history, tonight

Please my dear

It will be alright

This night

So I pray

Amen and Amen

Thanks be to God Allah Vishnu I saw dancing the statue on acid that night –

To all the men who serve

And the women who swerve

For all the thieves

I’ll never leave

For all the hungering birds

I’ll serve

For all the oceans

And to talk to the whales

For all things I pray this night

Just one night

Unto the day

So I say

Is it done

But the Wi Fi is not working here –

And I would not be afraid of the rain

Anymore –

And all the secrets of the pyramids

And what’s under the Sphinx

And restore the pyramids to their lost beauty

And the resurrecting machine

And the secrets of the caves of Afghanistan

And everything that’s on TV

And everything, everything

And may all the Christmases be

Forever and ever

Beautiful

And I’ll give you a brand new futuristic Zeppelin like they had in Divinity 2

And forever and ever

All things

Amen and amen.  Amain.  Amain.

And Hazel, Chris, my warrior sensei sage,

Will we have our tesseract van,

I know you so wanted to tesseract and fight

But I was not ready –

And it’s like I am living Aladdin’s dream that movie old Disney that my uncle competed because they re released The Lion King when my uncle’s movie The Swan Princess came out

And just everything, everything, everything, I just want to fly the fucking SR-71 into the sun and explode and die and sleep, and sleep, and sleep in your arms and dream together -

Amain.  Amain and Amain.

Withering the rose

Withering the rose I saw
Everything the gaping maw
Missed my move cannot compete
Got greedy hit the street

On this city streets I walk
Hearing masked thoughts in the talk
Conversations walking by
Secrets that I spy

I have lost too much to bear
Cannot go on living where
Have to stay I cannot go
If they threaten life I know

Screaming crying in the street
Pain I cause that nothing meets
Any way I can I will
Desperation takes a spill

How could I play on greedy
How could I not ever see
Grasping for a chance that I
Cannot but I have to try

Maybe Wednesday writing cards
Or the Moon tonight the bars
Chords and rhythm overflow
I'll be there if any show

Poet missive massive blow
Reeling spinning from the show
I am not alive now see
I cannot make history

Lose it all to see and then
Could we coding find our zen
Proc a lot it's newer than
Everything can happen when -

No it's not I played too late
Nothing chasing deep substrate
If I understand the muse
All it takes to lose -

So I comfort in the sand
I'll be there the showing and
Play my cards and just maybe
Everything will be -

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So if on Wednesday they say

They're getting tired of me anyway

What cast extrinsic makes no sense

It cannot be away

If not the Way

I have lost anyway

What words to say

What words to say

What can past impossible the muse

Would strike and I not use

The time to say

That cast away

Can I take a pause a breath

No there's nothing left

I comfort me

Beside the sea

But it's bleak now

At the edge of the bow

Over play and under nothing

But the never left is remainder

This I heard

I caught a bird

It is not what I thought but

Nothing left to give -

I don't know how to live

Without what I could give

This ending seems unfitting for such a

Tragic start to see

Can I wrap around the history

I do not see a way

Nothing but another day

And if I quest the chex today

Can I still pause and figure anything

But everything's away

It goes away

And I cannot stay

If my heart has lied to self begiven

I could not undo

So I think of you

But not this way

It is left to imagine

That I could not make the grade

To call in fate

It is too late

One day maybe

I just think not

Too late to figure what I think

when I go trot

Along the missive rhythm of the night

Across influence right

It's wrong to think

I could stop to blink

That perfection held the key in weekend

Key of Mplus five

I felt alive

I cannot strive

This is not right

I catch the night

Too tired manifesting nothing that I

Knew my rights

It is not alright

I fell to fright

I lose the company that gives me breath

There's nothing left I fear

I quiver here

I chance the bend that I rend

My heart is gone

I would not weaken with the gong

I do not know

I do not know

I do not know

I am so sorry
A different story
Why is that I could surely die
And everything a lie

I told could not be true
alander mu
if I could teach you

So simply to be through the night
I don't know if it will be alright
So stable chancing past the melody
That I would turn to Nietszche

And impossible now
I know it's bad
I cannot glad my sad
There is no finer sentiment

I had not faith
I chased the rake
I cannot stop on resolve winning free
But now my history

Is plainly not written correctly
Can it be repaired at all
I do not know if at all
Things could be

I turned away
My error plain in the day
Nothing now but nothing left to say
I would not want this way

If it unwritten I rewind
That I could find the time
One moment past and my repast
Has flown away

Can I still say
Is there any way
at all

Or is the call forgotten
I cannot do impossible

My heart has died
I could not find the time
Everything let down upon the ground
Too tired for a dime

If it could plainly be
Could I repair history
That my heart forgotten knows not words

To say away that care I day
alone before my latter day

That nothing is to for me say
I cannot I am sorry so
Can this yet be so

I do not know

I do not know

I do not know